Love, Guilt, Grief & Genetics

Last night my mother left a comment on the post “Lost in the pain…” which you can find below this post. I felt like I should share what she said & what my response was to offer a little more understanding as to why this blog exists. I will do a complete blog post soon regarding the grieving process and acceptance necessary to live with Fibromyalgia but for now I have this to offer:

From my Mother: Submitted on 2009/09/09 at 12:39am

Hey,
If you aren’t in chronic pain there is no way for you to understand what it is. That is why I watch House. It must be written by people who know people in chronic pain because no one understands what House is going through, just so they don’t understand what we are going through.

I am sorry you got this from me and am sorry it manifested so hard at so young. The only thing I can say is I love you and your father loves you and your sister loves you – as you are now, as you were and as you will be.

Love,

My Response: Submitted on 2009/09/09 at 9:55am

Oh Mom, I do not blame you for this & you can not take responsibility for me having it. It is what it is and it will be what it will be. It manifested in me at such a young age simply because I was in so many accidents while I was in my teens & 20s or even because I had those two episodes of strep throat with 105 degree fevers when I was 22 that put me in the hospital. It is the one thing science has been able to prove about Fibromyalgia that and accident or severe illness will cause it to manifest if you are predisposed to it. I am just having a hard time accepting that it is not something I can overcome or beat into submission. I a going through the Grief Cycle/Stages of Grief (http://www.greaterswiss.com/mourning.htm). I have reached the Anger Stage (Stage 2). I know this cycle is usually used to refer to someone who is grieving over the loss/death of a loved one. In a very real sense that is what having Fibro is – it is a death of who you were. I believe it is the same for someone with MS or Lupus though I have not heard it said about any of these diseases/illnesses/conditions – I know it to be true. I have to accept the death of the person I once was and am no longer and once I do I hope it will be easier to live with. I am going to do a specific blog about it so others who are newly diagnosed or feeling lost after years of fighting it will know they are not alone and that what they are going through is very real and normal under the circumstances.

I loved the TV show House from the very first episode for exactly the same reason as you do now. I do not necessarily expect others to truly understand what myself or anyone else with Fibro is going through – I just have three things I hope to come from this blog: 1) That the people who live with and/or love someone with Fibromyalgia can have a clear picture of the pain and struggle and reality of this disease (it is alternately referred to by the medical establishment as either a disease or a “condition” far as I am concerned it is a disease). 2) To let others going through the same daily struggles know they are not alone and 3) To help myself through the process of acceptance and record my good day when they come and my bad days as they are so when those bad days seem like more than anyone should have to bear I can be reminded of the good days and know another good day will eventually dawn again.

If I can do nothing else with this gift I have been given of being able to express myself & my emotions then at least I offer comfort and care to those who need it.

I am indeed loved by many people and that too is a gift that others may or may not have or may not be able to see that they are through the haze the pain causes. I hope to remind them or be the person who offers it to them.

I love you. Heather